​RANDY’S STORY 
Posted October 30, 2005
“My wife has been fighting for 2.5 years and a good friend of mine had the surgical removal of a tumor about a year ago. My wife and I smoked; our friend did not smoke- that is what i tell people. This disease does not discriminate and people need to know that. Did Dana Reeve smoke like Peter Jennings did? ”

Randy was a spousal caregiver for his wife, Deb, who was living with advanced lung cancer.  I remember his energy and encouragement.  He was always so positive and helpful.  I crown “RandyW” as one of the original stewards of the Lung Cancer Support Community.  He made over 8,000 posts of encouragement and information for the tens of thousands of online users we had from 2005-2016 (and continues his support on the Facebook social platform today).  Randy also had a playful side. He would moderate the “Just for Fun” section and suddenly a virtual party bus was coming by to pick each of us up in our states and we would have mindless fun to combat all the stress.Randy is an advocate.  He may argue with that, but I am absolutely certain that his informative posts and encouragement from behind the computer screen inspired and empowered others.He was the first caregiver to combat the stigma around smoking on the internet.  He would post what we were all thinking- regardless of smoking history or lifestyle choices, no one deserves to die from cancer. 
Randy lost his wife Deb, in January of 2006.  He then stayed on the message board 10 additional years to encourage others, post the latest research news and share his first-hand knowledge of cancer caregiving and grieving.He was part of our support system and a virtual friend to all.I asked Randy why he stayed on after his wife died. To him, the act of helping others, helped him too.  It was a way for him to honor the memory of his wife.  Also, he worried about his own health and knew that being informed and up to date on medical treatments may help him some time in the future. 

“I’m a former smoker, so, I worry to this day, about my lungs and heart. My wife died from smoking related nsclc (lung cancer), my mom, a former smoker, died from copd. It goes through my mind a lot, if I have a coughing fit, or don’t feel good.”
“The message board (members) taught me about doing research, and digging for advocacy help for others. Boards also allowed escapes from reality with weekly chats, and other forums. A way to learn how to deal with grief from other caregivers and patients also. We had laughs, tears, encouragement, poetry, life insights, research. “ 
“Always keep a positive attitude you have to think that this can be beat. Be supportive. Be a fighter. I do research online before Onc appts. I always think that this can be beaten and cured. There is nothing for my wife and I to fight about and that includes money. We ain't got much but after 9 years of marriage and 2.5 years of fighting the Lung cancer we have each other. We are still fighting this disease. Believe in the power of prayer; I say a prayer every night. I am the caretaker for my wife. I hope this helps even a little bit.”
 
After Randy lost his spouse, he continued posting and offering comfort and encouragement to others. If there was a new clinical trial or study that related to the membership, he would be the first to post and share about it.  He encouraged caregivers to advocate for their loved one and to never stop asking questions.
Randy “met” Tina on the message boards.  They were both spousal caregivers and experiencing a lot of the same things. Everyone learned to lean on Randy. His energetic posts and informative research taught us a lot about lung cancer and treatment options. I learned about clinical trials from his posts!

“Randy was the researcher that I relied on for all the latest treatments and clinical trials.  He was a Godsend!”  


TINA’S STORY
Posted June 6, 2004

“I just found this site this evening. My husband was diagnosed in January 2004 after developing blood clots in his lungs--from the tumors. He has had Gemzar/Carbo and radiation. We had to push for the radiation because he was stage IV. Turns out he had a couple of very small spots in his lower right lung that may or may not be mets. He has responded very well to the radiation and chemo. and the tumors shrunk by 50%. He is currently awaiting another set of CTs in mid-June. We are praying for continued healing. It is so good to find a site with so many supportive people!”

Tina joined the message boards shortly after her husband Charlie’s diagnosis. She would post book recommendations and links to supportive resources. She was also virtually along for the ride every time the Party Bus came through the Just for Fun forum! 

Like Randy, Tina’s spouse eventually succumbed to cancer.  Tina says she transitioned from grieving to a “giving” role to provide some of her experiences dealing with the things that come up when you are caring for someone with cancer.  She wanted to give people hope and encouragement.  And with the passing of time, more treatment options were developed, which meant a better chance to survive.

“The message board brought all of us together—patients and caregivers.  It helped me to cope better with my emotions by sharing on the message board, to more effectively relate to my ill husband, and how to be a better caregiver.  It also provided a way to share our experiences and be better prepared for some complications.”  

Tina recommends staying in touch with your support system if it isn’t too painful.  Helping others deal with their cancer situation can be healing too.   She also recommends attending a (specific—cancer, spouse, etc.) support group for several weeks and months.  She says working through grief never goes away, but taking time for yourself is important.

Tina created a local support organization in memory of her husband, held and attended walks, runs and vigils and participated in lunch and learn events.  She was also a vital member of our peer mentor program.

Eventually, technology and innovation would provide us with many social platforms and shiny new tools and resources.  The message boards of yesterday are cumbersome and just unnecessary now. 
There’s Facebook with its endless community groups and private forums.  ZOOM events and meetings; X (formerly known as Twitter), hosts a vibrant oncology community and there are many cancer-related APPS to download on our smart phones!  
Today you can video chat with anyone with just a few clicks!

 
RANDY AND TINA’S STORY
Like most of the members of the message board, Randy and Tina offered advice, support and compassion in their posts and replies. In 2011, Tina travelled to Greensboro to attend a cancer walk and she meet Randy in person. Tina says it was a nice visit and they stayed online friends.  
Life was busy.  She had daughters to raise; he cared for aging ill parents. Every now and again they would reconnect online- like old friends do. It was another 9 years before they would see each other again.  This time it felt different.  Tina asked Randy to lunch and things just fell into place. 

“Randy and I met on a January day 14 years after we lost our spouses.  By the next January we were at the Knox County Courthouse getting married by the Court Clerk (because of Covid) and then a formal family wedding in May.” Tina said.

“Hmmm… we met before our spouses passed away. We lived about 4 and a half hours away from each other. I would drive to Tenn. on a day or weekend off to visit Tina. She visited when she could when I was in NC. I think she got tired of bad dates. I didn’t date except once or twice. I was thrown into taking care of aging parents, after Deb passed, and so did she. We lost both parents before we dated. But we kept up on social media. I watched her kids grow up and grow in their lives on Facebook. I had a widow maker heart attack right before Covid started. She came to visit, and I told her before she left, I didn’t feel good. She said go to ER. I called her from cardiac unit at hospital, she came back the very next morning when sun came up. That’s when ya know it works!” Said Randy.
 
Both Tina and Randy raise awareness about cancer when they can online. 
Randy says they are enjoying being a newly married couple and all the things that come with that. 

“Right now, life is good. I’ve gotten to thinking about myself, and not having to keep notes and appointments all the time. I know some day, I’ll either have to be a caretaker, or have a caretaker… so for now kick back, enjoying a new life with a wonderful wife.”



​If you've been impacted by lung cancer, you don't have to face it alone.
Connect with me and join us @ Lung Cancer Survivorship Nework.

Princess Catherine’s announcement has many of us in the cancer community reminiscing about what it was like when we were diagnosed with cancer and the challenges we faced in our own families.
Below are a few basic tips on how to talk with your children about your cancer diagnosis.

Telling your children that you have cancer is undoubtedly one of the most difficult conversations you will ever have. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to approach the topic with your children. However, it’s important to be honest and open with your children about your diagnosis, as keeping them in the dark can lead to confusion, fear, and anxiety.

Here are my tips on how to tell your children that you have cancer:


1. Choose the right time and place: Find a quiet and comfortable setting where you can talk to your children without interruptions. Make sure you have enough time to have a thorough conversation and answer any questions they may have.


2. Use age-appropriate language: Tailor your explanation to the age and maturity level of your children. Younger children may not fully understand the concept of cancer, so keep your explanation simple and easy to comprehend.


3. Be honest and direct: It’s important to be straightforward with your children about your diagnosis. Use clear and simple language to explain that you have cancer and what it means for your treatment and prognosis.


4. Reassure them: Let your children know that you are receiving the best possible care and that you will do everything you can to fight the cancer. Reassure them that they are not alone and that you will always be there for them.


5. Encourage questions: Encourage your children to ask questions and express their feelings. Be patient and understanding as they process the news and offer them reassurance and support.


6. Provide resources: Offer your children age-appropriate resources, such as books or online resources, to help them better understand cancer and cope with their emotions.


7. Seek support: Consider enlisting the help of a therapist or counselor to support your children through this difficult time. They can provide guidance and help your children process their feelings in a healthy way.


Remember, your children may have a range of emotions in response to your cancer diagnosis, including fear, anger, and sadness. Be patient and understanding as they navigate their feelings and offer them love and support every step of the way. By being open and honest with your children about your diagnosis, you can help them cope with the news and navigate this challenging time together.

​

Feel free to print this page to use as your Caregiver Action Plan! Co-Surviving Cancer, Katie Brown 2017-2019 ©


CAREGIVING ACTION PLAN
I. PERSONAL INFORMATION

Patient’s Name:_______________________________________________________
Street Address:_____________________________________________________
City, State, Zip:_________________________________________________________
Phone (home):__________________________ (cell):______________________
Email:_______________________________________________________

Primary and/or Emergency Contact(s)
_______________________________________________________________________

Nearest Neighbors/Friends
1. Name:________________________Email:________________________Phone:_____________
2.Name:________________________Email:________________________Phone:_____________
3. Name:_______________________Email:________________________Phone:_____________

Doctors/Specialists Phone Numbers
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Nurse’s Line
____________________________________________________________
After Hours Hospital Line
____________________________________________________________
Pharmacy Address and Phone Number
____________________________________________________________
Accounts and passwords I should know: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

CAREGIVING ACTION PLAN
II. Make a list of all medications, dosages and uses


CAREGIVING ACTION PLAN
III. TASK LIST (to be completed together with Patient)

WHO will help with healthcare tasks as needed such as:
__Attending medical appointments
__Asking questions of the medical team
__Researching treatment options and clinical trials
__Help with or arrange transportation to and from treatment
__Administering medications
__Monitor side effects
__Assisting with personal hygiene needs
__Physically assisting the patient when needed
__Reporting side effects to doctor
__Manage correspondence

WHO will help with household tasks as needed:
__Help or seek outside help for general household chores
__Help or seek outside help for general lawn care
__Help or seek help with grocery shopping and meal preparations
__Pay bills

WHO will help with legal and financial issues as needed:
__Help with insurance document and coverage issues
__Help with seeking financial assistance
__Help with employment issues
__Advance directives
__Living Will / Last Will and Testament
__Healthcare and Financial Power of Attorney

I cannot help with : ___________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
​____________________________________________

Today i hosted a lunch and learn at Cancer Support Community North Texas. While lunch & learns are much shorter than regional summits, i love doing them! I get to make direct contact with hcps, patients and people who really need help and who have never heard of LUNGevity before!

And let me tell you Panera Bread in Plano outdid themselves ! Lunch was DELISH.

Its amazingly satisfying watching people become informed and empowered ! I am facilitating that awakening! The newbies then expressed interest in learning more and getting plugged in!

My favorite part of every event is the personal stories and working with experts who dedicate their time to talk one on one with patients.

Today was amazing !
​

Patient Centered Care. 
​The Institute of Medicine defines patient centered care as “Providing care that is respectful of and responsive to individual patient preferences, needs, and values and ensuring the patients values guide all clinical decisions.”
Um...kay.  This sounds great until you are someone with more than one specialist, then I think it’s just crap.  Fancy buzz words that marketing reps use to advertise hospitals and their experts.
 
For 6 months I went to 3 doctors and navigated three healthcare systems to finally find a diagnosis.  But things didn’t stop there for me. My genetic liver disease came with several autoimmune diseases.  Each one having its own set of symptoms, specialist, and set of prescriptions. When I have a symptom or issue- which specialist do I go to?
It’s up to me to make the rounds and find out. 
 
While I ask that each specialist share test results and information with the others- it doesn’t happen often.  I’m constantly repeating myself, printing medical records and recounting office visits to the other doctors. I hunt down information and drive the next steps of my care.  I certainly don’t feel like I’m the center of anything; I’m the quarterback of my own healthcare.
 
What if I were a timid patient without any healthcare knowledge?  The majority of patients are not like me and those patients get lost in the system and their disease and quality of life is not managed. I’m living with chronic illness but I’m well enough to advocate for myself.
 
I can’t help but think of the patients I support who are so very sick and not well enough to advocate for themselves.  How could they have the energy to hunt down information, see multiple specialist and drive their healthcare?
 
For those healthcare systems who truly believe in patient centered care, please keep in mind that patients need help in navigating the healthcare system. 
EVERY patient should have a case manager or patient navigator assigned to them from the moment of diagnosis.   
​

There are not many articles on the subject of professional caregiver grief. 
Professional caregivers are people that are on a medical care team- the doctors, nurses, social workers and case managers, for instance. Physical therapists, home health aides, pastors, Chaplin’s, helpline and hospice workers are also professional caregivers.  And people like me, whose job it is to provide support, information and services to people impacted by cancer are also professional caregivers.

75% of the time my job is amazing.  I get to be a hope-dealer and light internal fires that inspire people.  I get to inform and empower patients who may be feeling lost or in despair. Sometimes information that I provide saves or prolongs life. Everything that I do helps improve quality of life. I get to speak to conference rooms full of people, partner with other organizations and professionals to help change the landscape of cancer survivorship and support. 

I also get to comfort a patient who has just entered hospice, take that last phone call from those patients I’ve supported online/via telephone, and offer my shoulder to grieving family members. I also get to hold the hand of someone who’s taking their last breath. That’s the 25% of my job that rarely gets talked about.

Every death weighs on me heavily. For over 14 years I have supported cancer patients and the losses accumulate.  Because I am a “professional caregiver” my grief is hidden, distant and not recognized. I’m not amazing.  There is nothing extra-ordinary about me aside from the fact that I let everyone in and I get personally involved with every patient I come to know. That’s why I’m good at what I do.  But every loss cuts deeply.
I get angry and I grow discouraged.

What I have learned over the years is that unacknowledged grief and loss will translate into burnout. 
I’ve struggled to find things to help me during times of grief- to avoid burnout.  I have some personal coping skills that help during my darkest times.  I hope that what I have discovered in my decades-long professional caregiving may help someone else who may be struggling right now.

​




​
 
 



​Here are 5 things to help you cope wtih professional caregiver grief:
 
Acknowledge Your Grief
When someone you’ve grown to know and care for gets bad news or passes away, it will affect you in some way.  Acknowledge it.  Talk to someone about the loss and give yourself the permission to grieve. I journal and blog- a lot- which helps me process through my grief.

Honor the Patient
Honor the patient in some way. This can be something as simple as taking a moment of silence, lighting a candle, saying a prayer or making a donation in their memory.  There have been several times that I attended and even spoke at a patient’s memorial service.  This isn’t for everyone- and I wouldn’t do it for every patient I have supported- but there will always be some patients that you grow very close to.

Put What You’ve Learned into Another Patient
Each time you support/care for a patient you learn something new. If you carry forward the positive things you learned to help another patient, you are keeping their memory alive.

Create a Support Network for Yourself
YOU need support.  In order to continue to do the important work that you do, you need to be supported. Find people who will encourage and lift you up and make them part of your support circle. This could be other professionals, your family and friends and/or worship community. I would be remiss if I didn’t add the importance of seeking professional help when necessary. There’s nothing wrong with finding a professional who can help you process your grief.  A therapist or counselor can help with grief and any feelings of hopelessness and depression. Feeling appreciated and supported in your work and personal life really goes a long way to help your emotional well-being.

Take a Break
Mental health breaks are important. I recommend a beach vacation twice a year!  HA! Many of us can’t afford to take a vacation once or twice a year, so take regular time off to do somethings just for you.  Find activities and hobbies that bring you joy- and do them.  I find that creating things (jewelry, crafts, gifts, and photography) brings me joy. There is something life affirming in the creation of something from nothing.  It lifts my spirits during those times when I feel like death and sadness is all around me- and I can’t afford a beach vacation.

E-van-gel-ism: zealous advocacy of a cause. 

Zeal-ous: fervent · ardent · fervid · fanatical · passionate · impassioned · devout · devoted · committed · dedicated · hard-core · enthusiastic · eager · keen · avid · card-carrying · vigorous · energetic · intense · fierce ·

Ad-vo-ca-cy: an activity by an individual or group which aims to influence decisions within political, economic, social systems and institutions. Advocacy can include many activities that a person or organization undertakes including media campaigns, public speaking, commissioning and publishing research or conducting exit poll or the filing of an amicus brief.

While lung cancer claims the lives of more people than any other cancer, it receives the least funding, the least attention, the least support and compassion for those that are impacted by it. 

That must change.

In order to raise funding for life-saving research and development of treatment options- people need to care about lung cancer. 

How do we made them care? 

Become a lung cancer evangelist.
People need to know that lung cancer can happen to anyone with lungs.
If lung cancer has impacted you in some way, become impassioned to share your story. Make the commitment to dedicate time to sharing the facts about lung cancer to the general public.  Partner with an advocacy organization like LUNGevity to help influence decisions and research and take part in media campaigns and fundraising events.

To change the face of lung cancer the public needs to see all the faces of lung cancer.  To end misconceptions and stigmas, we must be ardent in our efforts to make lung cancer a blameless diagnosis and a national priority. 

Every 2.5 minutes someone is diagnosed with the deadliest cancer.  It’s a national crisis!

We must break silos and work to build collaborations.  We must not duplicate efforts and use our energies to meet the unmet needs of patients and caregivers.
​
Lung cancer doesn’t take breaks and neither should we. 
​

I’ve found my calling in life. 
It really is an amazing feeling to do what you feel called to do.
In my case, my calling is supporting people who have been impacted by cancer.  I know what it feels like to get that diagnosis.  I know what it feels like when your loved one has been diagnosed with extensive cancer.  I know the feeling of helplessness. I know days and sleepless nights full of anxiety and uncertainty.  I’ve done the endless internet searches for cures and fighting non-stop for more time.  I get it.  And I make it my mission to lesson those feelings for anyone who reaches out to me for support.
I’m empathetic because I’ve walked in those shoes.  I care about everyone I meet and help.  I’ve made many wonderful life-long friends.

One BIG downside to doing what I’ve been doing for the past 15 years is that some of the people you care about die.  It’s predicable with extensive stage cancer.  With each passing I get similar responses from my “regular” friends and acquaintances who see me hurting, “Why do you do it?”  “Your job is so depressing.”

This week, Facebook’s “On this Day” feature reminded me that 4 people passed away during this week over the years.  One person helped me get a hotel room in another state to attend a funeral. That person has also now passed away.  So much loss.  Much of it senseless because with the right funding and research- we CAN find cures and better treatment options.

Sure it’s depressing when someone I care about dies.  But how many people can say they made the life of someone, however long or short, better?  I can.  That’s what I focus on. 

I can help make the quality of life better for someone with cancer, whether that’s for one day or for thousands of days.
And that is pretty amazing.
​

For the 7th year I'm in Washington DC planning and hosting the National LUNGevity HOPE Summit. 
​I always get some quiet moments when I first land  in DC to sit and soak in the views of the Potomac and organize the thoughts in my head and the to do lists in front of me.. 

​I think about scripting sessions and slides and logistics

​Every year, without fail, I feel a wave of melancholy.  I think about all the patients I've supported who never made it to a HOPE Summit.  I think about my dad, my inspiration for the work that I do, and how much he may have benefited from coming to a HOPE Summit.  I think about the survivors who were just here 12 months ago who are no longer alive.

​The broody gray feeling of "What's it all for?" is real.  You can't work with critically and chronically ill people and not feel that way sometimes.  It hangs on me like a heavy coat in the moments before HOPE Summit starts when I feel a bit nervous and unsure of myself..

​Then I see them.  They show up with the biggest smiles on their faces.  Some have badges that say "alumni" and they are celebrating another year survived.  Their summit stories are similar.  HOPE Summit empowered them with information and courage.  Some walked away learning about treatment options that extended or saved their lives.  They found community and friendships.  Their lives were made better.

They are so happy to be here.  The laughter and the excitement becomes contagious.  I feed off their energy and become their biggest cheerleader and coach.

​By the start of Summit I'm shedding the heavy coat of melancholy and picking up my pompoms. 

​It's a wild ride, but it's the best ride of my year.

As I was cleaning out an office drawer today I found torn out pages of a journal I kept when caring for my dad.  It wrecked my heart to read it for the first time all these years later.  I relived every emotion with every sentence.  I don't know why I want to share this with you except to say I understand what you are going through and I am here for you.  My work these past 14 years has been so that no one goes through what I went through.  
The photo is of the journal pages and I transcribed it through Dragon so that you could read it too.  
From my heart to yours :

​

​















(Please excuse typos from voice transcription)
​
Dear Daddy,
it’s 1am and I still can’t sleep. I’ve only had a few hours of sleep since you went into the hospital. Did you know when you went into the hospital this time that you would not be coming home? Did you know after you slipped into a coma that I was there every second holding your hand? I hope you did.

You would jerk and squeeze my hand when I cried and talk to you. Did you know that we were all around you when you took your last breath and gave us all a smile before you died? I was hoping that smile was for us. I miss you so much already daddy I’m afraid of living my life without you.

We were together every day of the last year since your diagnosis you were so strong and brave. I tried my best to fight this with you. I researched and scoured everywhere for information and treatment options. I feel like I failed you, like I failed us, because I don’t have you with me anymore. I miss you so much daddy.

My life, all of our lives, changed on Friday, 13 September 2002. A month before you had just come home from a road trip eight hours in your new green Ford pickup. You drove straight through from Texas to Missouri to pick up Anthony. The week that he was here was eventful and fun. We celebrated his birthday early so that we could all be together. I took him to Six Flags one day and he spent a few days catching up with his grandma and grandpa – you and mom. We hated that he lived so far away. But he was in a good place and his mom was taking good care of him.

It wasn’t too surprising to any of us when you complained of back pain. You had spent eight hours driving to get Anthony and eight more hours driving him home. I gave you over-the-counter medicines and then finally I gave you some muscle relaxers. Mom and I pleaded with you for a week to go to the doctor but you were sure it would pass. Then several days later you lost your voice you had to go to the doctor because you needed to know why. It took several doctors’ visits before they told us what was wrong. Your MD gave antibiotics and sent you to an ENT doctor. She didn’t see any reason for your vocal paralysis, so she sent you to a pulmonologist. He finally did a chest x-ray and what he discovered changed our lives. A CT scan of your body later revealed that the cancer had already spread into your liver.

I remember vividly what it was like on September 13, 2002 I walked into your house, kicked off my shoes and threw my keys on the pedestal in the hallway. I sat on the sofa next to you and the first thing I asked you was, “So what did the doctor say?”
“I’ve got cancer” you said. I felt like someone had kicked me in the chest hard. I began to cry and you pulled me close. I put my hand on your chest over- your left lung- and I sobbed.

You let me cry for a little while and then you said in a rough voice, “I’m not dead yet!”  You chuckled a little and that was when I decided to be strong for you.

Small cell lung cancer with metastasis to the liver was your medical diagnosis. The stage of your cancer was extensive, and you’re only treatment option was chemotherapy. I began marathon Internet searches and I read everything I could about your diagnosis. I found no comfort. I found no hope.
I saw nothing but your impending death and the prognosis that I heard from your doctors kept ringing in my years. 4 to 6 months with treatment.

Our faces revealed how scared we were all the time. Mom and I cried all the time. I spent every second with you. September though December 2002 were the absolute worst months. Your chemotherapy, a mixture of etoposide and cisplatin, quickly ravaged your body. You lost 30 pounds and all your hair.

Still we tried to be positive for you. I found a drug on the Internet that was designed to increase your appetite. I asked her doctor about it. He cocked his head and gave it a few seconds of thought, and then he wrote the prescription. It worked, and slowly your appetite came back. You were still so weak. Rick and I found a wheelchair on eBay and bought it for you. It felt like a small defeat having to need one that you were proud of it anyway, and you put your name on it! Four months we only use it when we went out and had to walk long distances. We took you to the parks, zoos, and duck ponds. You came with us to the Chinese new year parade and out to eat whenever we could talk you into it. We rolled you on to the soccer fields to see Hunter’s first game. You went to his school program and you were there for Hunter’s graduation from kindergarten.
You had become the best grandpa.

In December, things looked really bad. You ended up in the hospital after three transfusions that didn’t help to bring up your blood counts. We feared you wouldn’t be coming home and the doctor wanted to stop chemo. You spent Christmas day and your birthday in the hospital. I knew it wouldn’t be long, but then you surprised us all! Somehow you got stronger and began to eat and keep your food down. Your CT scan revealed that the tumors in your long were completely gone!

I felt sure a miracle was beginning that you indeed were going to beat this cancer! We made more trips out of the house. We went shopping and remember that day he wrote the lark at Walmart? You zoomed all over the store and bought new things like sauerkraut and green olives and told me the story of how your mom never could make macaroni and cheese taste right. You even tried to do a 360 in the aisle and crashed into a rack of baked beans. We laughed so hard. We had so much fun that day.
You came to my college graduation in May and refused to bring the wheelchair. He walked the entire hallway and waited for me and watched me graduate. We ate afterward and celebrated. You came to my 30th birthday that same week and having that my party was the best present ever. I took you and mom to my office in Dallas so you could see my first “real” job.

You were doing so well that I began giving you ideas on where to go for vacation and I decided to organize an anniversary party for you and mom. I invited all of your old friends- friends that we hadn’t seen in many years and every one of them came. My house was standing room only with food and people everywhere overflowing from one room to the next. I knew you didn’t feel well. You had just had a recurrence to your clavicle and had begun a new chemotherapy and radiation which made you so weak and tired. You laid down and rested in my bedroom and when it was time for cake and the toast you used your walker to make it back to the living room. You ate so well that night. And my toast to you and mom was perfect. That was the last time we celebrated.
You died three weeks later.
That was yesterday.
I still can’t believe it.