I haven’t written in a while and for that, I apologize. I hope this post finds you (reader) doing well, or at the worst, stable and surviving too. Many of my scans and labs are happening in the next couple of weeks. My chest is tight and my anxiety will be high until I have the results. I think I will always be this way and I’m ok with that. But it’s emotionally exhausting.
While I’ve been active on multiple social media platforms for work purposes, I am not naturally an open person. My instinct is to retreat whenever there is anything bad or negative happening in my life. I’ll hide in my office or my bedroom until I can work out the issues in my head.
The problem I have is that I can’t work out these issues. Rick’s physical abilities is not in my control. My health is stable, yet uncertain. Jobs that are in my area of expertise no longer offer remote work, or just don’t want to hire me because I acknowledge I have a “disability”. (Ugh. I hate that “voluntary” section of applications. You KNOW it’s not voluntary. If you decline to answer it, then they will assume you have a disability.They take one look at that and my resume goes in the trash.)
I’ve done some great consulting work for a few pharmaceutical companies and two cancer nonprofits. I enjoyed those projects but I miss the stability of a full time salary. I never thought I would be reinventing myself at 49. When I lost my job I lost my identity. I had no idea who I was without that work. The sudden finality of it all was traumatic and is still one of the most traumatic events of my life.
I tried opening a boutique and spent weeks crafting graphic tees and jewelry to sell. I got so much joy decorating that store and making original things. It wouldn’t pay my bills, but its peaceful and it made me happy. I think Rick just wanted to see me smiling and happy again.
Ultimately, we decided to leave the storefront and sell online and at This n That Resale for now. Our experience with an inexperienced landlord have left us with a bad taste in our mouth and reluctant to try again. Should we try again? I have some decisions to make. And I need to get real with myself. I do have physical limits now.
Do I:
1) Reopen a storefront somewhere
2) Continue to build clientele for cancer consulting work
3) Change career fields and work somewhere local doing something NOT cancer related
4) Stop consulting completely, no cancer, no store— just LIVE
Times like these, I wish I had a mom to lean on, to ask advice of. I feel like I have so much creativity and passion to help others left inside of me still- but what now? I’m so impatient for this next phase of my life to start.
Fellow cancer patients who have had to leave their jobs..you may understand how I’m feeling right now. My brain is the energizer bunny and my body is the jail cell it’s locked in. Side effects from my autoimmune diseases limit a lot of what I can do physically but my brain doesn’t shut off. So, I am feeling quite lost with what to do with my life and how out of my control everything feels- still.
While I’ve been active on multiple social media platforms for work purposes, I am not naturally an open person. My instinct is to retreat whenever there is anything bad or negative happening in my life. I’ll hide in my office or my bedroom until I can work out the issues in my head.
The problem I have is that I can’t work out these issues. Rick’s physical abilities is not in my control. My health is stable, yet uncertain. Jobs that are in my area of expertise no longer offer remote work, or just don’t want to hire me because I acknowledge I have a “disability”. (Ugh. I hate that “voluntary” section of applications. You KNOW it’s not voluntary. If you decline to answer it, then they will assume you have a disability.They take one look at that and my resume goes in the trash.)
I’ve done some great consulting work for a few pharmaceutical companies and two cancer nonprofits. I enjoyed those projects but I miss the stability of a full time salary. I never thought I would be reinventing myself at 49. When I lost my job I lost my identity. I had no idea who I was without that work. The sudden finality of it all was traumatic and is still one of the most traumatic events of my life.
I tried opening a boutique and spent weeks crafting graphic tees and jewelry to sell. I got so much joy decorating that store and making original things. It wouldn’t pay my bills, but its peaceful and it made me happy. I think Rick just wanted to see me smiling and happy again.
Ultimately, we decided to leave the storefront and sell online and at This n That Resale for now. Our experience with an inexperienced landlord have left us with a bad taste in our mouth and reluctant to try again. Should we try again? I have some decisions to make. And I need to get real with myself. I do have physical limits now.
Do I:
1) Reopen a storefront somewhere
2) Continue to build clientele for cancer consulting work
3) Change career fields and work somewhere local doing something NOT cancer related
4) Stop consulting completely, no cancer, no store— just LIVE
Times like these, I wish I had a mom to lean on, to ask advice of. I feel like I have so much creativity and passion to help others left inside of me still- but what now? I’m so impatient for this next phase of my life to start.
Fellow cancer patients who have had to leave their jobs..you may understand how I’m feeling right now. My brain is the energizer bunny and my body is the jail cell it’s locked in. Side effects from my autoimmune diseases limit a lot of what I can do physically but my brain doesn’t shut off. So, I am feeling quite lost with what to do with my life and how out of my control everything feels- still.
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