I have been living with and surviving liver disease and autoimmune conditions for over 3 years and I still struggle with acceptance.
My brain (self admitted OCD, Type-A) will have some great ideas, goals and aspirations while my body laughs out hysterically in pain....not today brain, my body says.
I’m an over-achiever. I finish other people’s thoughts and I’m great at reaching goals and setting higher ones. I never sit still. I will have very dish washed before I’ve finished cooking the meal. While others nap, I’m rearranging furniture or crafting jewelry or writing a book. I don’t stop. I never have. Until now.
There are days when my feet feel like I’m waking on broken glass. There are times that I swell and every muscle and joint in my body hurts. There are times that I have blood sugar issues, high ammonia or GI issues. There is no cure and there are no pain medicines that I can take to help me because of my liver disease- so I have to stop...and I have to rest.
Rest. I’ve always equated that word with laziness. People who rest are sick or lazy and I have never been either...until now. In between activities, I need to rest. Activity filled weekends are now time to rest and reenergize if I want to keep problems at bay and continue to live well.
But Its hard. This is not the me I know. My brain fights with my body. While I am laying down watching a random Christmas show on the Hallmark channel, my brain is thinking about all the places I could be and all the things I could be doing.
It’s a huge internal struggle. Do I get used to what this is now, or do I hold out for the me I used to be?